crossroad

I may not be a good writer, but writing is the only thing that I actually want to keep doing, at least for now. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even confident about my writing, so to think that having people read my stories and actually tell me that they’re decent is something I never would have thought would ever happen to me.

Another thing I hadn’t ever expected would be my story possibly getting published next year. I haven’t really said any details about this to majority of my readers, but to anyone who’s possibly reading this, then yes, it is possible that we might see The Heartbroken Heartbreaker in print by 2015, but I’m not going into details for now. (Filipinos will probably know what publishing company approached me anyway.)

Now, I am completely psyched about this. I’ve known this for quite a while now and it’s been really hard to keep a secret this big. It’s an opportunity I can’t pass up on–not just because I want to get published, or because of the money I might get from it–but also because my Mom and my close relatives are rooting for this to happen, and I guess that’s my main motivation.

Recently, however, I have been stuck at a crossroad, and from here on, I’m finding it hard to move.

First off, I’ve been re-reading THH for days now. I have to, because I want to edit the shit out of it so that it’s not going to be just another of “those Wattpad books.” I want it to be perfect. To be different. To be deserving. And to be perfectly, absolutely, completely honest? It. Sucks. 

THH is, and always will be, something I will hold dear to me for the rest of my life. That, however, doesn’t mean that I can’t see its flaws (cliche plot, tendency to have childish scenes written from an immature 14 year old’s perspective, CLICHE PLOT, moments that make me go WTF). I know it’s a far cry from perfection, at least by my standards, and it does not deserve to be published. At least not as it is right now. Which brings me to my second point:

I want to revise it. A lot. If anything, I want to scrap the whole thing. This is a matter of importance to me because years from now, I want to be able to look back and not be embarrassed of my first published novel. I don’t want to be associated with a work that I am not entirely proud of.

However, while I want to revise it, I also want to keep most of it. If anything, the first few chapters will take most of the hit, and the rest of the chapters will only be slightly changed, but I want to keep its essence, to recapture it so it’s not changed so much as it has improved. And I’m all right with this, because I seriously want THH to be the best that it can be, and I don’t mind having sleepless nights just so I can edit it.

There’s a catch though.

I’ve been told that I should omit cuss words. Especially the word “fuck.”

Well, fuck. I use the word “fuck” a lot when I write. I’ve used it so much that it doesn’t even seem like a cuss word to me anymore. And I stand by my opinion that “bad words” are only “bad” because “society says so” because what the fuck is wrong with the word fuck? Nothing. People just see it as something bad because we’ve been told that it is bad. It’s just a word, along with all the other “bad words.” THEY’RE JUST WORDS. And if this is the way I write, then I don’t want to fucking change it because this is the way I fucking write. 

When I found out about this whole cussing thing, I literally felt miserable. Confession: Not just once had I thought about declining this opportunity because I honestly, honestly, honestly don’t want my first published novel to be something that only ever got this far because it’s cliche, and people love cliches, therefore people loved it. But I figured it’s too good of an opportunity to pass up on. Even if I want to decline, I wouldn’t be able to, because I would always think of what my mom or my aunts or my uncles or my big brother would say about not grabbing this chance, about letting go of all that money, about being too choosy when i should be happy that I even got lucky enough to be offered a publishing contract when I’m barely 18 years old.

But not only do I have to edit something I don’t even want to be read by the people I know, I also have to remove the “bad words” because it’s “teen fiction.”

What? Do they honestly believe that teenagers don’t toss the word “fuck” around? If anything, teenagers are probably one of the age groups that cuss a lot. Fuck that. That’s not the way freedom of expression works. I should not be forced to change the way I write just to get the big bucks, but in a world where money is the only thing that keeps the world turning (note the sarcasm), I can’t help but feel like I have to value my financial gain from the publishing deal over my need to write the way I want to.

*insert melodramatic sigh*

I guess I’m just frustrated because my family keeps on telling me to start editing it already when I’m barely passing my classes and I hardly ever sleep before 2 am just to finish my daily schoolwork. Oh, and they will probably antagonize me when they find out how badly I’ve been doing lately. I don’t even know what to feel anymore.

I want to reject the offer because I don’t want to fucking deal with this anymore, but I honestly can’t when I think about it and try to take everything into consideration. I’m just upset that while it may seem like I have a choice, that I can decide whether I should accept the offer or not, the truth is that the circumstances I’m going through and have gone through have become restrictions that make it impossible for me not to choose the former.

And it’s not a fucking choice.

(Sorry if the first post is a bit heavy, but posts will depend on my mood, and I assure you that not everything will be this dull. On another note, you can drop me comments here or on http://ask.fm/iamsammadison. i’ll probably accept post requests or whatever)

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8 thoughts on “crossroad

  1. Well, I think it’s a great opportunity but you can’t go insane because of something. Nothing is more important than your happiness and sometimes not all the good things make us happy.

    Anyway, I loved that book and I am reading Paper Cuts and TPOCE because I am a huge fan of your work. You deserve this opportunity, believe me… you don’t suck at this. Actually, for me you are one of the better authors in Wattpad and I read a lot of stories there. In my top 3, you are the number 1.

    Whatever happens Sam, just remember:
    “Just … isn’t giving up allowed sometimes? Isn’t it okay to say, ‘This really hurts, so I’m going to stop trying’?” “It sets a dangerous precedent.” “For avoiding pain?” “For avoiding life.” –Fan Girl

    (Fan Girl is a book, a really good book actually)

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    1. Thank you so, so much for checking out this blog and for actually telling me this. 🙂 Fan Girl by Rainbow Rowell? I ADORED THAT BOOK. Though I’ve read it way, way back then I hardly remember the details hahaha

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  2. Sorry, I’m not going to give you advice or anything because, honestly, I’m the last person you want an advice from.
    I just wanted to say that I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BOOKS SO MUCH!
    You inspired me to write my own book on wattpad, even though it’s really bad, I still plucked the courage because of you 🙂
    When I saw the first few paragraphs of this blog I litterally cried with joy. I was actually praying for this to happen because THH, in my opinion, is one of the best-publish- worthy- books on wattpad.
    I think I understand what you’re trying to say about how you hate it, and how much you want to scrap it but..please don’t. However much cliche you think it is, however immature you say it is, just look at the votes and reads you got on the story!
    And as for the cussing….Well….f them, i liked your story anyways.
    I really hope you make your decision and be proud of it, and never regret it – I’m not going to tell you to do anything, because it’s your decision.
    But, just saying, if it THH does get published, I’ll be first in line to get a signed copy 🙂
    – A fan ❤

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  3. I have read THH and I absolutely love it. I am reading TPOCE also and even that is a great work. As I read this, it’s like I could feel the frustration in you and one thing I would say that has been overused but we don’t follow it. Live for yourself, it’s your life. People say that this is being selfish and shit but it’s not, if you aren’t happy people who care about you won’t want you to be unhappy, now would they? It’s not easy trust me but you have to start somewhere. And we teens like cliche stuff so don’t consider it childish.
    Take care.

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  4. And and and, I forgot to mention this is in the previous comment. I am so fucking excited for you and your book to be published. I would actually like if they didn’t tell you to remove the curse words,but well, this world isn’t a wish granting factory. :/

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  5. you are awesome and this is great news CONGRATULATIONS and you will conquer the world
    i admit, editing curse words out seems unfair to the characters because thees really no replacement, is there?and it seems as though the ESSENCE of the feeling /spirit behind the words will slip away.
    maybe thats not so, though.

    i think you feel a bit stressed. you need time to de-stress. you have a bit too much on your plate, so its just managing that a bit. studying is your priority, and then editing, then writing. we’d like to do a million things all at once but we cant. so prioritize and do a bit of time management.
    everything will sort itself put, eventually.
    dont let it all get to your head. tell your brain to cool off a bit
    i have faith in you. you’re a strong person.
    you can do this 🙂

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  6. Hi, Sam 🙂

    idk why did i just read this now??? but fuck omg you’re book is going to be published, and it’s your choice if you really want it to be printed. Idk but i want a book signing please (which is unlikely bc idk if you want us to know your real name,) and here’s my opinion or/and advice about this messed up shit,

    This is your book, girl.

    And i might’ve been hard about calling you “lame” (‘ven tho you told me to, but i still remember that convo but idk how i dont remember math formulas) but you really are NOT lame.

    You are perfect and idek how i should feel about holding your book in my hands and bring it to my school and NOT hide my phone under the table and re-read thh, (bc apparently i’ve been spoiling some parts to that friend i referred to you on ask when she said your username,) and spoil more details, (i spoiled cedric’s death sorry,) and idk but i remember every little peice of thh, god, i even remembered Sam and i hyperventilated when you said papercuts was a spin-off, (god, you’re so good at ideas,)

    So, um, think about a book that has no cuss, (OMF THAT’S jUST DR. SUESS SHT)

    i think it’s just inevitable, (i hate tfios sorry, not,) that people say bad words. IT’S NOT EVEN A BAD WORD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. I mean, shit? It’s “tae” (i listened to the radio once, it was either 89.9 or 99.5 in the morning, they said “tae” in china was pronounced as taie do you get it?) WTF i think shit is a more ROYAL word hahahaha.

    And i would support any of your choice in life, (i was actually thinking of creative writing for college but my mom be like, “no” *insert sheldon’s voice here*) I was actually stalking you tbh and idek why im even telling you this,

    but here’s my list to knowing your real name:

    (better change some life stuffs now, sam)

    •you study in UP
    •you’re seventeen
    •you’ve dealt with pain (and probably i’d be sending you an anonymous question in ask about how to deal with this thing, watch an eye on that,)
    •you’re just an effing good writer but doesn’t really have a boyfriend
    •winks when something is true
    •friends with a girl named “alli” (i saw this on twitter,)
    •name starts with a “k” but i’m not really sure this is true
    •birthday is on May 30 i guess

    so i’m really stalking

    sorry

    but stalking meant someone appreciates you, (i appreciate you,) in a creepy way (i’m creepy,) and will do anything just to get the simplest info.

    So, i’m saying is, don’t let anyone tell you what to do, they’e not God, they didn’t make you.

    And if they do,

    Make them.

    🙂

    (idk if you got my message here but ily)

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  7. Omg I’m sooo happy for you Sam, id you are going to publish THH in print. You have no idea how much I adore you and your book. I think you deserve what you’re getting now: to get the book published.

    We all know that none of us are perfect and we might find faults in every f-ing things but doesn’t mean your book isn’t perfect. I’ve never read a book like that my entire life (no, I’m not kidding) and don’t you think your book is being unique over here? Well, I do.

    You’ve inspired so many people which includes me too and a word like that coming from you makes me feel helpless (I have no idea why).

    Writing and singing is my passion and after reading THH the only thing I’ve ever dreamt of was being a writer like you. I never had the guts to public my book Past and Present on wattpad but when I did the only thing that kept running in my mind was ‘I want to be like Sam Madison’.

    Oh.. I love all your works, honestly if you do publish everything in print I would give anything to have the collection of your books in my shelf. If you believe your book is worth, don’t forget I would be the first person to
    buy that book.

    If you think your book is worth , you’re right. If not, you’re right again. It’s your book..

    I love you and keep writing… 🙂 Sorry if I didn’t make sense. I never did. But one thing i’m positive of: you’re a great writer and everyone has faith in you.

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